The Right Attitude Towards Receiving Advice

How to receive advice with an attitude that helps rather than hurts your progress

Having worked in the advisory business for over 7 years in various industries and roles, I noticed that almost all the teachings and best practices focus on how to give advice. But very little is said about the fact that many people often treat received advice with an attitude that hurts rather than helps them. Hence, receiving guidance in a useful way can be trained and improved.

So, in my independent business consulting practice, as well as in some of my executive management training sessions, before beginning the project I started giving a little pre-talk disclaimer explaining how people should treat my advice. The results and feedback have been overwhelmingly positive. Therefore, I decided to share the insights gained from this experience.

The Problem with The Common Attitude Towards Receiving Advice

At the beginning of something important — a big project at work, a career step or some other endeavour, the common mental model of receiving advice has often the following phases:

The initial mental model of receiving advice

1. We ask for advice
2. After that, we ask for second and third opinions from other people
3. As a result, we receive different types of advice
4. We get confused about which one to follow. We get nervous and stressed about the choice
5. In the end, we choose one but we are still stressed. Considering we had other alternatives we are afraid that we might regret the choice if the outcome is unsuccessful, and we get frustrated during this process

Because of this, to shield ourselves from confusion and frustration, over time we develop the following “subsequent mental model”:

The subsequent mental model of receiving advice

1. We ask for advice
2. If we like it, we seek second and third opinions which are likely to be similar to the first one. We look for confirming evidence to the opinion we like — a phenomenon widely known in behavioural psychology
3. We try to refrain from receiving different opinions to avoid getting confused. Without realizing it, we try to limit our options because we fear the tyranny of choice as we associate it with stress and frustration
4. If we generally receive different advice without asking for one, we get irritated and discourage it, even if it comes from a knowledgeable person
5. As a result of the above, we don’t get broad and diverse perspectives on the subject
6. The outcome is that we make a biased decision, based on narrow and one-sided information, which has a higher probability to be flawed

Additionally, if that decision leads to an unsuccessful result, we get upset at our advisers and at least subconsciously, if not often consciously, blame them. Our advisers are also pissed off because they can feel that we blame them. So, even if we overcome ourselves and ask their counsel again, they will likely withhold it.

Might sound counterintuitive, but the more uncertain and riskier the endeavour we ask advice about, the more likely we will develop the above-mentioned “subsequent mental model”. This is because uncertain and risky projects are already stressful. If we add extra confusion to them, the anxiety rises too high and we will try our best to bring it down. For example, being a startup founder is the most difficult and risky job in the business world. So it is no surprise that over years I have seen a lot of founders going down that path after explicitly expressing their frustration due to having heard too many different opinions.

The root of all the confusion and frustration about receiving too many diverse pieces of advice is that we ask for advice in order to follow it

The trouble begins in our attitude. We go the wrong way before we even start the movement.

The Right Attitude Towards Receiving Advice

The advice we receive from various competent people is not there to follow it, it is there to enrich our expertise about particular subject and to help us formulate our own opinion eventually

The crucial requirement for this to work is that we should receive advice only from competent people. Competence does not mean that what they say is necessarily the best way. Almost every subject has different schools of thought and there can be true experts supporting each one. Competence just means that they have a deep knowledge of the issue, even if their approach might not necessarily be a good fit for our case.

Therefore, to incorporate diverse perspectives:

Treat every piece of advice you receive the same way you treat the books and articles you read, podcasts you listen to and documentaries you watch — receive as many and as diverse as possible from competent people to become smarter and more knowledgeable, and to eventually make your own decision

Although very useful, this attitude is not that easy to develop because:

• We usually ask for advice from people we admire. We appreciate that they spent their valuable time enlightening us. We don’t want to disrespect them by ignoring their counsel. We have an internal self-imposed pressure to follow their guidance
• Due to various reasons, many people are not used to and comfortable with making decisions and taking responsibility for them. Following someone else’s advice subconsciously enables us to avoid responsibility and dodge the bullet to our ego if the result of the decision is negative. It hurts when we realize it is our fault and we feel better when we can blame someone else

Don’t fall into this trap.

To Summarize: The Steps of The Right Attitude for Receiving Advice

1. Ask for as much and for as diverse advice as possible, provided it is from competent people
2. Analyse all the pieces of advice you get, digest them and make them part of your own expertise — you might not agree with many, but provided they are coming from experts, they will have some point and are worth thinking through
3. Based on this enriched expertise formulate your own opinion
4. Based on that opinion, make your decision and own it. Even if it completely coincides with the advice you received, don’t confuse this coincidence with following that advice. Your thinking might be powered by someone else’s insights, but your action is based on your opinion, it is your decision and your responsibility

If you incorporate the above process you will see the following pattern unfold with the consequent benefits:

1. You will not run away from any insight competent people tell you, even If you receive unwanted advice without asking for one. Remember, you can not spot all the great people and you don’t have enough time to ask for opinions even from all the great ones you can spot. So, if someone knowledgeable proactively offers you a gem, welcome it. Being surrounded by professionals who proactively initiate the process of helping you can unlock a plethora of good things
2. You will start seeking many diverse opinions
3. Your view and expertise will be much more holistic and multisided
4. You will formulate higher-quality opinions and make higher-quality decisions that have a higher probability of a successful outcome
5. Your relationship with your advisers will be more useful and healthier
6. And most importantly, it will hone your skill and mental resiliency to make decisions and take responsibility for them, which is one of the most important things to develop for yourself

As this is my advice to you, treat it with the attitude recommended in this article 😊