How I Broke the Habit of Thought Distortion That Was Destroying My Life
I finally made breakthroughs in reducing angry outbursts—and am getting closer to becoming a husband and father I respect.
I wanted to believe I was incredibly open to constructive criticism and slow to anger. Most times this was true, and outbursts never occurred with a customer. However, during independent work and with family there was a portion of the time when stressors would compound despite my best efforts, and chronic insomnia would rear its ugly head at the worst possible moment dramatically affecting my ability to cope.
This led to thought distortion and a downward spiral of frustration, self-doubt, fear of failure, anxiety, defensiveness, and angry outbursts. I tried two attempts at counseling in the past, more recent coaching, and read many books. Although some improvement was made, a solution was elusive.
It wasn’t until the perfect storm of health coach training and launching a digital health startup that the light went on and I began to make real progress. As I was developing my company, behavior change became a predominant theme. I gained a greater understanding of the roles the nervous system, positive emotion, internal motivation, and habit formation played in this process.
Then months later after a particularly rough day where I received more sales rejection for my young startup, thought distortion was the topic of my health coaching class. This was especially timely as thoughts of self-doubt, anxiety, fear of failure, and inevitable embarrassment were racing in my head. It did not help that I had less than six hours of sleep the previous night. I contemplated quitting as the thoughts were all-consuming.
One of the recommended resources from that class was, “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns, MD. His book is based on the premise that our thoughts create our moods, thought distortion is not realistic and that you can train people to think more rationally and feel better. This method of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) was pioneered by Dr. Beck, David Burns’ mentor, and is now recommended by The American Psychological Association as one of the top treatments for depressed adults. I decided to pick up a copy to see if it could help me with the cyclic moods I was trying so desperately to tame.
As Dr. Burns outlines brilliantly, thought distortion can take many forms including all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, filtering out the positives, catastrophizing, labeling, and jumping to conclusions. I decided to use one of the powerful tools I just learned in class also known as the triple column technique in his book. The process is as follows:
- Write down my automatic thoughts
- Objectively reflect on any distortions and mental errors
- Reframe the distortions and errors with a rational response
The act of writing down your cognitive distortions allows you to have more objectivity and a better chance at identifying the mental errors than trying to do this with swirling activity in your mind. I modified this tool to incorporate the cues and rewards that are essential to new habit formation. Here is an illustration of the tool in practice:
The Path to Success
Fear of failure is the very thing that prevents most people from reaching their true potential. I have battled thought distortion on numerous occasions with my young startup. Both inability to attract investors and repeated sales rejections have caused the perception of poor traction. In reality, this was all made up in my head as I have not even come close to fully vetting if the market will embrace my innovative idea.
In any new business, your plans and timing are critical to success with the latter being outside of your control. I will only know if my plans and timing are right by vigorously testing them. I have not met nor read about one successful person who has not faced adversity in overwhelming force. It is those who harnessed the power of positive, constructive thoughts and persisted through what appeared to be insurmountable odds that went on to extraordinary achievements.
An astonishing result of writing down this cognitive distortion that day was the realization that I was making a grave mistake of tying my self-esteem to my business success. I am only worthy if I am successful and respected … nothing could be further from the truth. My worth was established in my creation, and nothing I do will change this.
My dog, Zeppelin, illustrates this point brilliantly. Zeppelin has very few accomplishments other than the fastest dog in the neighborhood pound for pound. Yet his very being, generous affection, and charming personality make him the most kissed member of the family.
He is worthy because he exists. So am I.
The Greatest Gift
My oldest daughter demonstrated this point beyond a shadow of a doubt with the greatest gift a father could ever receive. It meant the world to me, and I will always cherish it dearly. One day she asked if I was on the internet. Surprised, I asked what prompted her question before answering. She said she found my consulting website and liked it. As I peered over her shoulder a few days later, I noticed my picture as the wallpaper for her iPad.
I knew my daughters loved me, but this brought it to another level. This is one of the highest honors I have ever received and worth so much more than the financial success a startup can bring.
So, is my startup really a failure? To date, I have helped 50+ people make behavior change to a healthier lifestyle. For example, Julie lost 20 lbs., reversed hypertension to normal without medication, and is now getting more, high-quality sleep after a change in careers. Many more customers have similar stories, and this is very rewarding.
Furthermore, my dad has a new lease on life. After embracing health coaching, he has become the healthiest he has been in years after being given less than four years to live with severe chronic disease coming out of the ICU. My dad’s progress alone is worth all my efforts! You can read his story here.
Almost immediately after my episode with thought distortion due to sales rejection, I began making inroads with small businesses. One company reached out to me, and I have submitted a proposal for a contract. Another church leader reached out after reading one of my articles on Medium and now my company is doing weekly health tips in their newsletter. Another person contacted me through a mutual connection about speaking at a national conference with potentially 9,000 attendees, and my abstract was accepted. Lastly, a company within my target niche asked me to do a webinar on deliberate practice for their sales team.
Achieving success in the beginning often comes down to stringing together small wins until their inertia can no longer be dismissed as happenstance. Reflecting on, celebrating, and showing gratitude for these small wins will reinforce one’s burning desire for success and reinvigorate the required planning and persistence to achieve it. This powerful combination can crush thought distortion.
I Almost Fell for the Trap of Jumping to Conclusions
Another strategy Dr. Burns offers in his book is a method to deal with criticism without defensiveness. He suggests doing the following:
- Urge the person to say the worst things they can about me while not defending myself. Defending myself would only intensify the criticisms leading to verbal abuse.
- Find a grain of truth in their criticism and then a way to agree with it. This will disarm their assault.
- Point out any areas where I disagree with their assessment in a straightforward, tactful, and nonargumentative method.
- Emphasize the importance of sticking together through this and that our relationship is more important.
What I love about this technique is its sheer simplicity. Another key to new habit formation is making it easy. Before long, I was able to put this idea into practice. Cleaning up after dinner, a conversation with my wife started cordially about the day’s activities. However, things began to become more intense in my mind when we discussed melatonin as a possible solution to my chronic insomnia.
She cited various ways that it could help me. I tried to explain that my research concluded melatonin was not an effective long-term strategy for chronic insomnia and has found better short-term use helping those suffering from jetlag. I elaborated further that the recommended strategies for insomnia I had implemented were working and showed her a chart of the data documenting the improvement in my sleep. I was now getting on average 7.7 hours of sleep per night with only one day per week with six hours or less (COVID vaccination shots in May caused exceptions).
As the conversation continued, my thought distortion made me feel interrogated and disrespected rather than the reality that my wife was only trying to help and had a serious concern that needed to be addressed. Noticing my anger and defensiveness building, I decided to ask an open-ended question, “What would you like me to take away from this conversation?” The question disrupted the pattern of the conversation, and she paused. After considering her position, she stated, “When you do not get enough sleep, you are moody. I would like you to better control yourself, so you don’t explode like the other night when you got four hours of sleep.”
The conversation wasn’t about melatonin but my moodiness when I struggle with insomnia. I agreed with her assessment that I needed better self-control even in extenuating circumstances. I also offered I was working to change this destructive behavior and better control my emotions using new techniques from the book, “Feeling Good.”
My perception of an assault came to a screeching halt when I combatted cognitive distortion with rational thought. That evening, the conversation ended peacefully. However, I immediately went downstairs to lift weights and release any remaining pent-up frustration. In a sense of relief, I was pleased I was able to defuse a volatile situation that usually resulted in an argument or angry outburst when I was defensive. Simultaneously, my wife felt she was heard, and something was being done about her serious concern.
I Failed Again But Learned an Extremely Valuable Lesson
My wife and I had agreed that I would paint the deck rather than replace it with composite materials to save cost. Knowing the summer and fall would be busy, I decided to jump on the task as the weather was cooperating. Being in desperate need of repair, the task turned into a grueling four days of cleaning and painting. Fortunately, my kids saw how hard I was working and decided to help while mom was at work. Despite being 8 and 11 years of age, they were immensely helpful.
Things became more stressful when the cleaning took twice as long as expected and the repetitive motion caused pain in my shoulders. If that wasn’t enough, my wife scheduled a family dinner on the day of the most intense work. I cautioned her three days prior that planning a dinner for that day would be risky because things would go wrong, and I may not be able to go. Since she did not want to miss the opportunity of a dinner celebration with extended family at a Japanese barbeque, she decided to schedule the dinner despite my caution.
The day of intense work arrived. I had a detailed plan, and I was completely focused on getting the deck done by 4 p.m. so we could all attend dinner. I started at first light by erecting a large 20 X 30 ft. tarp over the deck to prevent the sun from causing the acrylic paint to bubble; a known issue when surface temperatures rise above 90 degrees Fahrenheit.
By mid-morning, I was racing. At 2 p.m., it was becoming increasingly clear we had to pick up the pace or attending the dinner was at risk. Furthermore, impending rain within 36 hours was intensifying my stress to get the deck painted and dried before the storm. The thoughts that I tried to have the family dinner scheduled for another night and weather could spoil my hard work ricocheted in my mind. With all these stressors colliding, I started to express my frustration at the kids.
My wife came out when she sensed I was being short with my daughters. I immediately sensed her frustration from the look on her face. Previous arguments about renovations flooded my mind, and my blood began to boil before she even spoke a word. She expressed she wanted the kids to take a break and to go inside. I countered that we needed all hands on deck to get this done so we can all go to dinner. I continued sternly, “The kids still want to help.” She retorted, “Stop being your usual perfectionistic and demanding self!” I clapped back, “Rain is coming, and we have to get this done or the paint will be ruined!”
This triggered the augment with both of us talking over the other. I felt she didn’t appreciate all the hard work I had done, and she had it with my “narcissistic” attitude. Completely frustrated and angry, I demanded she and the kids go in the house and that I would do it myself. Once again, an angry outburst, and I hung my head in failure. My wife got the kids ready and took them to dinner while I was left alone to complete the work until nightfall.
Reflecting on the day’s events I began to see how thought distortion caused my initial frustration, which led to being short with the kids, and then an argument. I considered how I could have done things differently. My wife and I have agreed to take the long view with parenting rather than getting immediate behavioral compliance. We want our children to be shaped into responsible individuals that show kindness and empathy and contribute positively to society through their passions. This takes more effort and never seems to be effective in the moment I most need it. Did I communicate that the deck painting was more important than their future? The next morning, I apologized to my wife, and she accepted.
The real breakthrough came days later when I spoke with my new coach. Through a series of questions, he had me define two people: 1) the person I was that day and 2) the person I desired to be. The following chart illustrates this.
I really wanted to be the father and husband that was in control of his emotions. It was apparent that by controlling my thoughts, I could control my emotions and behavior. Better behavior will reinforce more rational thought. This rational thought and better behavior would likely have resulted in a better outcome as in the previous example. I could have realized going to dinner that night was not in the cards and encouraged my wife and kids to go while I finished up the deck without getting frustrated. After all, my wife knew this was a possibility. This was such an eye-opener for me.
Since I have been very aware of thought distortion and strategies to combat them. Little irritations that would compound over the day in combination with a poor night sleep are now kept in check and not allowed to become an all-consuming outburst. Furthermore, my difficulty with my wife’s constructive criticism has almost stopped overnight. By implementing this simple strategy to receive criticism without taking it personally, I have dramatically reduced defensiveness and anger. I am not batting 100% yet, but with focused practice and feedback, rational responses are becoming a positive habit. With greater consistency, I am getting closer to becoming the husband and father I respect.
