3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Have a Role Model
Set your role model free. Discharge them from their duties. It’s better for them. And for you, too.
I come from a community where less than 10% of a generation makes it to university. Within the female population, this number drops under 5%.
Yet, I was able to pursue higher education in very selective programs in Africa and Europe before starting a career that would have been unimaginable to me when I was a teen.
With the exposure my job, social media presence, and non-profit activities grant me, I am lucky enough to be in contact with young people daily. I receive many questions about my academic and professional background and how I manage to work around the systemic traps set against people like me. I receive lots of gratitude, cheers, and love for sharing my challenges. People regularly say to me “you are a role model.”
I do appreciate the positive feedback and energy. But call me a role model and I’ll cringe. Not because I am overly humble. But because I find calling someone a role model is counter-productive for both the young adult saying it and the person at the receiving end of the statement.
The phrase “role model” was first used by the American sociologist Robert Merton to define not a specific role but rather the behavior expected from someone people look up to within a community. A role model is someone whose social role you aspire to occupy. Within this definition lies at least three reasons why a young adult should not have a role model.
Having Role Models Limits Perspective
Your role models are the products of their environments. Their situation, their value system, the challenges they overcame are closely tied to their own experiences.
When you decide that a more senior person will be your role model, you unconsciously endorse some of the limitations this person might never be able to overcome in their lifetime. Because the world evolves so fast, your role model might never be comfortable with some values you take for granted. Their mindset allowed them to navigate the challenges of their own time, but in some ways, it can be unfit for the present difficulties, and more so, for the ones the world will face in the future.
We turn to role models because we are afraid. We fear we might never get the “right answers” to our questions. The role model has made it where we would like to land one day, so surely, they have figured it out. Unfortunately, not one single person can claim they have an unbiased and clear view of the world. If they do, I suggest you reconsider looking up to this person at all.
It is understandable to draw inspiration from people who came before you. But for the world to progress, for tomorrow to be better than yesterday, it is also essential to set your standards and values. You already have your own biases and limitations.
Please don’t endorse the ones of a so-called “role model.” Instead, find the courage to sit down alone in a quiet room and ask yourself questions such as: “What are my values and how do I intend to live up to them? What resources can help me overcome the challenges I face? What would I aspire to for myself and the world if I were not afraid?”
Having a Role Model Stunts Growth
When you choose to have a role model, you imply that you admire how they act and that you agree with their values and beliefs. You expect them to continue their behavior, inspiring you to reach the social role they occupy. The issue is that you often don’t know about their struggles.
For example, you might constantly remind a certain woman that she is your role model because she seems to “have it all,” such as a seemingly nice job and a seemingly happy family life. Now, she might think twice before making drastic life changes for fear of disappointing women who look up to her, like you. These considerations are prevalent in conservative communities, like the one I come from.
You must not be afraid to make mistakes in order to grow. A role model is someone you look up to at a specific time. In some areas of life, they represent your end goal. You create a mental image of who they are, and you expect them to always behave accordingly. Therefore you might be very disappointed when their actions contradict your expectations.
Designating someone as a role model is putting them in a cage. They know some people are watching them in order to mimic some of their behavior. They are aware that their mistakes will be amplified and affect other people’s lives.
After having reached the status of a role model, some people will do everything to maintain it by avoiding any mistake. And we all know the only way to avoid mistakes is to not take risks. And that’s also the best way to stop growing.
Having a Role Model Is Looking for Inspiration in the Wrong Place
In a previous job, one junior staff member from support services had issues with most of her colleagues. It got to a point where anything that had to do with support services was delayed, partly because people avoided talking directly to her. At some point, someone told her bluntly: “People don’t like the way you talk. You are rude and make us beg for you to do your job.”
She was appalled by this feedback, but then she did something quite extraordinary. She started recording herself during meetings, and after a few days, she would listen to the tape, paying attention to her tone, her words, and how people would react over the interaction. Then she could see how terrible the interactions were. She realized that even though it was not her intention, she was indeed coming across as discourteous and bad-tempered. She decided to work on her communication skills, which resolved every interpersonal issue she was facing.
Even though I would in no circumstance listen to recordings of my own voice, I can only admire my former colleague. Her sincerity, self-awareness, and determination to do better continues to inspire me.
But that does not make her a role model. She was younger and more junior than me. She did not occupy what Merton would certainly define as a prominent social role. She was not a role model, but what she did is something I define as a “role moment.” And role moments have happened many times during my career and personal life.
If you focus on looking up to role models, you will miss many of the exciting and teachable moments that are happening every day all around you.
I find it much more exciting to think that anyone can do at least one thing to inspire us. There is value in seeking this kind of input from multiple sources rather than using one person as a blueprint. After all, Robert Merton was also the father of the focus group.
If You Care About Your Role Models (and Yourself), Set Them Free
The concept of role models says a lot about modern society. The idea that your life is not pre-set by birth, that you can instead set goals for yourself and reach them, is beautiful and powerful. However, you should not rely on one person or a limited number of people to show you the way.
If it is not clear enough by now, I’m here to confirm that the people you look up to are still figuring things out too.
Set your role model free.
Discharge them from their duties.
It’s better for them.
And for you, too.
